Posted by: dariusamiri | March 6, 2009

That’s Retarded!


I’m just gonna come out and say it, retarded is a funny word. The concept might be a little touchy, I’m sure it sucks to have a retarded baby or sibling, but take a step back and look at it objectively. Retards are REALLY fucking funny. Come on, stop being gay. They are. Don’t believe me, let the record speak for itself…



Now who among us doesn’t remember Sloth, the lovable lug fettered beneath the Fratelli brothers restaurant hideout, Sloth was won over with a simple offering of Chunk’s Baby Ruth bar, and the rest is cinematic history. Sloth provided us with some of the most memorable scenes from the Goonies, including the oft-quoted “Hey you guuuuuuuuuuys.” He was retarded. 

Exhibit B:


Normal Retard (if that makes any sense)

Normal Retard (if that makes any sense), may be in the act of pooping in his pants...

Okay, this is funny right? Come on, it is. Stop fighting it and give in, the only way this isn’t funny is if you are standing behind him for your Senior Picture and have to actually take in the scent while he diarrheas his pants. Still not convinced? 


Its a bird, its a plane, its Super Retard!

Its a bird, its a plane, its Super Retard!

Now this is f*cking funny! He’s Super Retarded (which construed properly would actually mean more retarded than a normal retard). Super Retard has only one known weakness, rudimentary understanding of common, everyday occurrences, transactions, and social interaction, and pooping in a toilet.


Teenage Mutant Ninja Retard

Teenage Mutant Ninja Retard

Ladies and Gentlemen, allow me to introduce Botticelli, the fifth Ninja Turtle. Botticelli was actually with the other four ninja turtles at the time of their legendary interaction with the mutant ooze that transformed them into the heroes that we know today, unfortunately, he ingested the ooze orally and the result is what you see before you. Botticelli was cut from the program after the pilot due to budgetary constraints and FCC regulated appropriateness concerns. 

One more for the nonbelievers…

God this is just mean...

God this is just mean...

This one actually hurt my soul a little bit. I’m not gonna say anything other than this: this girl would be the envy of any Chipmunk community in the world.

And finally…


The Muppets' Animal

The Muppets' Animal

Animal of Jim Henson’s Muppets fame. The thing about retards is they have super human strength, you don’t wanna get in their way. Best to just give the little f*cker his drumsticks and “goooooo byebye, yayayayaya”

Well that just about does it, and definitely cements my place in Hell. Hope it was worth it.


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