I’m just gonna come out and say it, retarded is a funny word. The concept might be a little touchy, I’m sure it sucks to have a retarded baby or sibling, but take a step back and look at it objectively. Retards are REALLY fucking funny. Come on, stop being gay. They are. Don’t believe me, let the record speak for itself…

Sloth!!!

Now who among us doesn’t remember Sloth, the lovable lug fettered beneath the Fratelli brothers restaurant hideout, Sloth was won over with a simple offering of Chunk’s Baby Ruth bar, and the rest is cinematic history. Sloth provided us with some of the most memorable scenes from the Goonies, including the oft-quoted “Hey you guuuuuuuuuuys.” He was retarded. 

Exhibit B:

 

Normal Retard (if that makes any sense), may be in the act of pooping in his pants...

Okay, this is funny right? Come on, it is. Stop fighting it and give in, the only way this isn’t funny is if you are standing behind him for your Senior Picture and have to actually take in the scent while he diarrheas his pants. Still not convinced? 

 

Its a bird, its a plane, its Super Retard!

Now this is f*cking funny! He’s Super Retarded (which construed properly would actually mean more retarded than a normal retard). Super Retard has only one known weakness, rudimentary understanding of common, everyday occurrences, transactions, and social interaction, and pooping in a toilet.

 

Teenage Mutant Ninja Retard

Ladies and Gentlemen, allow me to introduce Botticelli, the fifth Ninja Turtle. Botticelli was actually with the other four ninja turtles at the time of their legendary interaction with the mutant ooze that transformed them into the heroes that we know today, unfortunately, he ingested the ooze orally and the result is what you see before you. Botticelli was cut from the program after the pilot due to budgetary constraints and FCC regulated appropriateness concerns. 

One more for the nonbelievers…

God this is just mean...

This one actually hurt my soul a little bit. I’m not gonna say anything other than this: this girl would be the envy of any Chipmunk community in the world.

And finally…

 

The Muppets' Animal

Animal of Jim Henson’s Muppets fame. The thing about retards is they have super human strength, you don’t wanna get in their way. Best to just give the little f*cker his drumsticks and “goooooo byebye, yayayayaya”

Well that just about does it, and definitely cements my place in Hell. Hope it was worth it.

Now I know what you’re thinking – “Why mix sex and ethnicity?” Trust me, I’ve been thinking the same for years, especially after an experience involving an omelet and subsequently a week of abstinence . But guess what? I also used to think that beating Mario 3 with magic flutes was legitimate. People change. So for you sexually liberated, Pro wind-power, lace-less converse supportive individuals, I will be starting a weekly update of the finest sexual tips the world has to offer. More to come soon..

The 80’s were pretty awesome, but I’m not one of those annoying chicks that wear legwarmers under black tights and cutoff Jordache jeanshorts with New Kids on the Block patches on their backpacks that I act like I hate but I secretly kind of want to bang… where was I going with this? Let me think: McHammer, Alabama Slammer, Slammer-Pogs, Ants on a Log, Log Jam, Son of Sam, Sam Maloney, Beers, Cheers, Cheers! Cheer’s was an 80’s show, that’s right we are talking about the 80’s.

Like I said, the 80’s were pretty awesome. They gave us hypercolor, the Civil Rights movement, peace in the Middle East, and many of the pyramids according to some scientist somewhere. The 80’s also provided some of the greatest tv shows, and consequently most memorable tv characters, of a generation. To honor and pay tribute to these cool tv dudes, we Duckbutts have created the Cool 80’s Guy-Off-Athon. Each week we will pitt two cool 80’s guys against each other, and let you decide who moves on to the next round. At the end of the month, we will crown a champion, and I will name my firstborn son or daughter after that 80’s tv icon.

This week’s matchup:

Officer Thomas “Tom” Hansen Jr. (21 Jump Street) vs. Alex P. Keaton (Family Ties)

Officer Tom

A.P. Keaton

Now I know what you are thinking, what the F is he doing? Putting up these two iconic 80’s masters against each other this early in the game. Well, yeah it might be a little shortsighted, but believe me, the 80’s are just that stocked with talent that I can risk making a bold parlay such as this. A.P. Keaton v. Tom Hansen Jr…

Better 80’s icon? You decide.

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